Royally Fucked

By Merrill Liu

Anti-Valentines day sentiments presents with great pleasure: European Royalty who were Royally Fucked over by the ‘M’ word.

Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI of France. Well Revolution aside, their two countries hating each other and getting beheaded aside, the two were just never meant for each other. Like quite literally, Marie’s older sister who was originally intended to marry Louis to solidify the French-Austrian alliance died of Small Pox. Then her next sister caught it, and that left Marie. Louis’s hobby was making clocks, Marie liked to shop. It was a match made in Hell.

Catherine and Peter III of Russia. Where as Marie Antoinette’s foreigner status made her unpopular, Catherine had no troubles, maybe because of what her husband looked like in comparison. Peter was fond of the Prussians, so much that he stopped a war against them and gave back all the land Russia won when he became Tsar. Catherine on the other hand studied the Russian language, history and culture with intensity. One day Tsar Peter III awoke to a rude awakening when his own Imperial Guards overthrew him and to put his wife in rule. Catherine (later to be known as THE GREAT) spent her rule denying she assassinated him and claiming her son Paul was not Peter’s. Wow, she’d rather admit to having a bastard child than have people think she got it on with Peter.

Henry VIII of England and…just pick a wife any wife. Henry was a such a dick he wore a cod piece. This guy had the state religion changed so he can get a divorced on the grounds that his first wife couldn’t give him a male heir. When his second wife couldn’t give him a male heir, he executed her on the grounds she had to be a witch. But Karma found it’s way to him when he finally did have a one male heir, but at the cost of his wife (back then, C-section meant certain death for the mother). He had six wives in total. There have been a few movies and now a TV show series about his douchebaggery.